7. everyone else is interesting.
I finally figured out where my confidence comes from. Well, what I should say is I finally figured out what you all perceive to be confidence coming out of me. Which is that I am convinced that nothing about me is special. Now I know immediately you’re thinking “how would thinking you’re not special be confused for confidence?” The first part is that I truly believe I am the most normal person in the world and the second part is that I truly believe everyone else is incredibly interesting.
The first part makes me fearless. My life spills out of me without hesitation because I just assume whatever I have to say is a normal way of thinking and whatever I’ve been through is a normal course of life. And I don’t mean “normal” in a derrogatory way, I mean normal in the sense that if it happened then that means it could happen. And if it could happen and then it does happen. Well then, that’s a normal part of being alive! It makes sense.
I’m also extremely aware of the stuff I know isn’t normal about me and so I spend all of my time and energy trying to make those things seem normal to the rest of you. Because I know for sure, anything that happens to me in this life is normal. The thought is so engrained into my thinking it hits me like a ton of bricks when people don’t agree that it’s normal. I’ll be saying something so “confidently” because I really believe what I’m saying is normal, and the person on the receiving end of this information will look at me and think “are you f**king crazy?! Who the f** told you that was normal!???” And I’m just like “oh I thought everyone had come across at least one instance in their life where they were forced to shit in the woods. my bad...???”
Even though I confidently believe and speak something to be normal there are no guarantees that the person on the other end of the conversation will agree. And I always forget that part. Because truthfully I don’t care what other people think is not normal about me because if people knew the context they’d understand how even though it’s not “the norm” for everyone, it was normal for me.
The second part.. the part about me finding everyone else so interesting is what makes me seem interesting to you. And it’s not a show - I am geniunely sooo interested in EVERYONE. I truly believe everyone around me is so fucking cool. And if they don’t think they’re cool I want to show them how cool they are. I want everyone who walks away from me to feel cool. Maybe even the coolest. Because they are. And at my worst, on my bad days, on my not so confident days - I am convinced everyone is only cool in contrast to how normal I am. Some days the only thing I can think about myself is how uncool I am because I’m so normal.
Pink curly hair, red lipstick, and a hat that looks like its out of the runway in Paris from the 1950s. The best dressed people in my office are a gay man and a trans women. Of course they are. They’ve been fighting their entire lives to express themselves freely, it’s no wonder they nail it in wardrobe every single day now. I’m so blown away by how fucking chic they look, EVERY DAY. Every day I see them and think “wow, so chic” and then I tell them “wow, so chic.” Camera flips to me rocking jeans, a black shirt not fitted for my body type and an oversized denim button up. LAME. NORMAL. Exactly what Melanie in Idaho thinks is cool to wear to her kids soccer game on a Friday evening. I am Melanie in Idaho who thinks its cool to wear jeans, a black shirt and an oversized denim button up to her kids soccer game on a Friday evening and Saturday games call for fitted leggings and an oversized sweatshirt (my errands outfit) sitting across from a god damn ROCKSTAR.
And even though I look out in amazement at my flawlessly dressed coworker I still think it’s normal that I’m not dressed like that. It’s normal to not wear chic outfits in the workplace. It’s normal to wear something that will help you blend in and not get unwanted attention from your male coworkers who are everywhere you look in your industry. It’s normal to keep your “figure” a little hidden with less than chic clothes because that’s how you get your bosses (who are almost always all men) to take you seriously as a creative, and not just a pretty toy. It’s normal to want your bosses to take you seriously. It’s normal to be taken seriously by your boss by wearing clothes that keep the focus on your mind and don’t bring attention to your body.
I can convince myself of how something can be “normal” for just about anything in the world. Back in college again, everyone in the south was obsessed with finding a life partner. And honestly it took me awhile to even pick up on it because I was so far removed from wanting a “life partner” in college, it didn’t even cross my mind to think about it. I knew I was barely scratching the surface of who I was at that point in my life. I knew I hadn’t figured myself out yet. I wasn’t ready to have a life partner let alone, choose one for myself. I hadn’t learned to be a good life partner to myself yet. I couldn’t imagine anyone else my age already knowing what they wanted in a life partner. I just assumed everyone read books in the park on Saturday afternoons. I had no idea some people weren’t going to the library to study because they wanted to learn the subject matters they were paying a lot of money to be taught.
I had no idea some people were getting all dolled up to flirt with frat boys at a house party where the whole place smells like farts and piss and you don’t know which cups of punch have drugs in them. And the truth is they all have some. And maybe we were too insecure to flirt with you when we were sober too. Either way, I could sense this was no place for me to find a partner. And so I didn’t. I talked to boys, I slept with boys, I cried over boys, I even lost sleep waiting for boys to text me back but in my heart of hearts I knew none of them were worthy of my companionship. And that felt normal to me, even if I was swimming in a sea of women who were set on finding their life partner before they graduated. All I thought was “good for them, but not for me.”
A note from the author:
I’m not really sure why I used these examples out of all the ones I could’ve chosen to prove out how I think I’m the most normal person in the world. If I had to do it all again I’d probably choose different ones but at this point these ones are already written. Maybe I’ll rewrite this entire essay and fill it with different examples but for now, I want you to know that the reason why my undying believe that I’m normal appears as confidence to you is because normal is the first step to neutralizing yourself in your own eyes.
It takes all the self-hate a lot of us have buried underneath superficial layers of self-preservation through elitism (being better than others) and it calls bullshit on it. Instead of thinking I’m unique, or interesting, or societally ahead, I just think I’m normal. I’ve been through some dumb and crazy shit in my life but I’ve normalized those things by understanding the context in which they happened. And when I know that anything can be made normal with context - I feel no need to compare myself to others. My interest in you is not a test, it is not research, it is not done with ill intent. No, my interest in getting to know others is just my favorite hobby. If I could get paid to get to know others, I’d be a millionare. And maybe one day I will be because of it. I love you all so much.