7. bare minimums
A few weeks ago I was watching Winter House on Bravo. My love for reality tv is like a rollercoaster. I’m either completely enthralled with watching people interact with one another on tv or I think it’s absolutely mind-meltingly terrible to see our current state of society reflected back to me. I’m usually only into watching it when I’m either in numbing mode or when I feel detached from society. Either when I’m feeling too much and watch to disconnect from myself by seeing how other humans behave and handle things OR when I feel like an alien trying to fit in as a human. I almost never watch reality tv after an amazing week spent with friends. Unless I’m hungover and need to just get through that Sunday.
Winter House is basically the cast of Southern Charm + the cast of Summer House trapped into one house with a few new faces casted specifically to cause drama in the house. These people are all alcohol enthusiasts. There’s close to zero social activity they do with one another that doesn’t involve drinking. Which at this point in my life looks absolutely appalling but to each their own. I didn’t come here to judge, I came here to learn.
Paige is talking to the guy she’s been crushing on when he asks her what she looks for in a relationship. And she says something to the effect that witnessing how much her dad and mom still love each other after all these years is really important to her, if the love between her and her partner isn’t like that then it’s a “deal breaker” and I thought to myself “THAT’S a deal breaker!?” Picking a partner that plans on loving you as long as you two are together should be a BARE MINIMUM. A BARE MINIMUM. Now, I’m not saying that means you have to fulfill that plan but I don’t think anyone should get into a partnership with someone who plans on not being able to love them as they grow through their own human evolution.
This got me thinking about the language we girls have been using around partnerships (or unions as my spiritual girlies like to call them). I truly believe language is the root of all causes, quiet literally. But in this particular case it’s detrimental to our own self-worth.
How many times as females have you been asked to put together your “deal breaker list” or your “list of non-negotiables” or your “list of qualities in your ideal partner” and it’s literally just like “he loves me for me” like, that should be a BARE MINIMUM.
A partner loving you deeply in return should be the BARE MINIMUM for getting into a partnership.
We need to stop letting potential partners (primarily straight men but also everyone) off the hook by describing our wants as deal breakers instead of bare minimums. If these qualities were bare minimums we wouldn’t have a problem with settling for shit partners.
Below is my list of bare minimums for a partner just in case anyone reading is interested (hey, a girl could dream, right!?) as of March 2022 - date stamping because they will most likely change and evolve with time.
🖤 My bare minimums for a partner 🖤
1. Self-aware
2. Appreciates humor and loves using laughter to have a good time
3. Ambitious
4. Confident on his own
5. Knows who they are + what they’re capable of. I can support them but I don’t want to convince them of it.
6. Genuinely likes who I am as a person (and everything that comes with that) and not just the idea of me.
7. Smart. Savvy. Can teach me things and learn things from me because there is an intellectual appreciation for knowledge.
8. Is familiar with personal growth and sees the hard work that goes into growing and also the beauty of growing. I don’t want someone that is going to the stay the same + I don’t want them to expect me to stay the same either.
Now, let’s say each one of them back as a full sentence:
My partner must be self-aware at the bare minimum.
My partner must appreciate humor and love using laughter to have a good time at the bare minimum.
My partner must be confident on his own at the bare minimum.
My partner must know who they are + what they’re capable of at the bare minimum.
My partner must like who I am as a person and not just the idea of me at the bare minimum.
My partner must be smart and savvy at the bare minimum.
My partner must want to teach me things and learn things from me at the bare minimum.
My partner must want to grow as a person as we grow in time at the bare minimum.
I know this feels so elementary but believe me females all over the world have gotten into relationships for much less.