20. the loss of a friend
Well, I should say the loss of friends but that sounded a bit dramatic and depressing. Although, it may have made for better clickbait, people love you when you’re sad. It’s pretty fucked up. Not my personal philosophy but I witness it a lot. That feeling of “I can only support you when you can support me back. i don’t give love just to give love” type of friendships. “I’ll love you but only when you can give me love in return” I never understood why giving love, just because, was such a hard concept for most people. I didn’t need a reason to love, it comes naturally to me. I don’t measure the love I give away. I give too much. It’d be a lot of paperwork.
Most of my heartaches come from the person on the receiving end questioning my love because it arrived without logic or reason. I don’t need to know the code to send you love. But if people didn’t invite my love to come over, they didn’t want it showing up. My love always felt like an uninvited guest even when the details of the gathering were shared with me personally.
I know that love is terrifying, we live in its illusions until it’s time for the real thing. It seems easier to deny it and not know whether it was a mirage or real gold, than to take the chance and open up to love. Love can only ruin you if you let it through the door. That’s what people think.
We’re so desperate for the one but what about all the ones that get us there? Maybe instead of craving the big hit that knocks us out, we should get used to the feeling by microdosing it over time. Instead of waiting for the perfect ship to port in our dock, why not go sailing with friends as often as you can make the trip out to the lake?
Anyway, I’ve been taking a lot of time to myself. I got so lost in the love of giving to everyone else, I forgot who loved me back. When I remembered, it wasn’t as many as I thought. Looking to the left and to the right, I started to swerve. The rain poured on the windshield and my wipers don’t work. I’ve been writing so much because there’s not a lot of people around me. Usually, I tell you what I’m learning as I learn it. There’s no better sound than someone saying my words back to me. Or having you teach me my own lesson when I need reminding. I love you all. Talk soon.