21. thanks for that, asshole
So I’ve been hanging out with a 12 year old. He was born with an over developed brain so he’s in a 12 year old body but has the brain of a 16 year old. He’s arguably my best friend and only friend in LA. Actually, there’s nothing to argue about there. He is my best friend and only friend in LA. I’m only able to track the passage of time through my intersections of connection with him which only happens when his mom or dad texts me to hang out with him.
He likes to ice skate. He wants to play hockey. So twice a week since the begining of February I’ve been going ice skating with him. I can’t remember the last time I went ice skating, it may have been 20 years since the last time I skated on ice. I’m not entirely sure but that feels right. I never really went ice skating but I did rollerblade the hell out of my childhood.
On Valentine’s Day, I felt like looking cute when we went to the rink. I wasn’t gonna try that hard but I decided I’d wear my rip jeans instead of typical yoga pants. I put some blush on my cheeks and that was about all I needed to look cute. I didn’t realize how frowned upon ripped jeans were at the rink until I got there that day. The rink regulars did not like my vibe that day. They couldn’t imagine someone who’d show up to the rink wearing... denim, could be good at skating.
But what they didn’t realize was that I learned to rollerblade on the streets. I played roller hockey with my brothers and the neighborhood boys in the culdesac. I got pushed and pulled, I didn’t get treated like a girl. I got treated like a brother. And when I fell, I hit the hard concrete.
For practice, my best friend Emily Griffith would come over and my mom would let us rollerblade in circles around our cement basement. For some reason there’d always be clementines in the refrigerator down there so as we went around me and Emily would pick up a clementine and eat it while blading. 5-12 clementines each time we went down there.
Because of all this, wearing jeans while ice skating was nothing to me. Their jaws dropped a little further when they saw me pull sweet tarts from my pocket, popping them in my mouth as I switched playlists on my phone. Cellphones on the ice, another taboo. Who knew?!
It’s been really fun going to the ice rink. We’re starting to create our own little world there. Our own little cast of characters. The rink regulars feel like the members of a Guess Who board. Of course, we’ve got a Chad and a Brad. But we’ve also got Melissa and Tanya. Parker only comes during the 1pm sessions. I hate when we go to the 3pm sessions because that’s when all the kids go after school. None of them have fully developed their spatial awareness yet, it’s exhausting.
The other day, during a 3pm session, the kid was using the plastic seal toy that helps people when they’re learning to skate. He was having so much fun with it and I could see it was helping him skate harder. It gave him just enough stability and balance for him to go a little crazy, pushing himself to go faster and harder without fear of falling. He’d push it out and make it twirl on the ice like he was performing a small part on Disney on ice. I told him he may have more fun performing on ice than playing hockey. He didn’t love hearing that. And you know, I love sports but I hate sports that only exist so bullies can push their friends around without getting in trouble. It’s the same with football. It’s not athletics. It’s pieces of shit disguised behind helmets taking their aggression out on one another. Any sport where a helmet is required, without a horse in sight, is fucked in my opinion.
Anyway, there’s this hockey “coach” who trains a kid, the same age as my kid, during Wednesday’s open skate sessions. We’ve seen them a few times. Their vibe absolutely sucks. They make everyone nervous skating around like maniacs. Not everyone is there for competition, some of us are just simply enjoying the activity! So about half way through the session I saw the “coach” go up to my kid while he was using the seal toy and say something. I asked the kid what he said to him. He told him, “if you wanna play hockey, you gotta lose the toy and get serious about training.”
Which first of all, FUCK YOU. For going up to someone who’s having fun and saying something you know is gonna bring the mood down. That’s what we call a fun SUCKER. And who the fuck cares about hockey anyway? Sorry that some of us like to go through life with our brains fully intact and not smashed in by our opponents.
The whole thing didn’t sit well with me. It’s one thing to attack me, but my CHILD. No fucking way. I spent the rest of the session cutting off the kid he was training while they were doing laps around the ice. I made it seem really effortless but I actually had to work really hard. For 24 minutes, I was skating the hell out of that ice rink. Twisting, turning. Left foot, right foot. Swaying my arms to the music and lipsyncing the lyrics.
The kid was getting so frustrated but there was no proof I was doing this intentionally, I mean, I was just skating around. The “coach” knew it was intentional because he knew there was beef between him and I.
Overall though, an amazing work out. I could feel it in my abs the next day.
So thank you for that, asshole.
P.S. I have no idea why I told this story.