9. aphorisms

i’m so tired of being told what to do by people who haven’t even figured out the meaning of life yet

you just don’t understand what i already know i can’t keep sugar coating things you are ungrateful 

how can you be blood related to someone and not take an interest in their passions
how can you not open the link and tell me something you liked that i wrote i just give and i give and i give until all of my blood has been sucked by your straw drained off all life how dare she not pick up a call i’m crying on the floor you couldn’t even open the door for me we started with the same veins how can you be mad at me

taking care of others has left me naked on the floor crying trying to catch my breath before you kick me in my chest on the way you always knew how to drag me under while taking my hand stabbed in the back while you look into my eyes and plead for what i got what i earned all those years the things i sacrificed the friendships the romantic interests and you want to see the look in my face as you claw my hands and let me fall 50 feet below my own kin to blame the final countdown you just couldn’t bare to see me get back up oh what i do when i’m on my two feet dancing around the arrows you sling at me singing lullabies like i don’t give a flying fuck you keep thinking your hurt will work that i’ll burn into ashes not rise before the angels eyelashes i’ll be in the sky soon and you’ll still have trouble getting a hold of me how dare you kick my shins when i’m on my knees begging for you how dare you not give me the love i give to you with my dying breath i’d still tell you i love you

i’m scared to find out
because if nothing else i got nothing
the battle was gore and no glory
i don’t have hope
i’m hoping what i’ve done is enough
nothing left to give
i’ve got nothing else
to live
and to die
everything else was just a good try

i can’t get everyone out of my head
you all pick me apart
it’s so easy to feel what parts of me
you despise
you tell me the time and time again
i’ll never understand
i don’t see myself the way you do
i don’t treat myself like a villain like you do
i love every part of me
you will never convince me otherwise
all your mean words do
is make me think you’re mean
that’s what falls out of your mouth
and on to my lap
mean, coldness, on fire
you light me up like you hate me
why are we here talking
let me go
if you don’t like me let me go


i have searched the world trying to understand why certain people say certain things to mean. it was certainly mean. you certainly meant it. not enough apologies to stop you from doing it again. you couldn’t help yourself. why not kick the dead. finally let me know how you really feel about me. easier when i’m not around. nothing to get mad about. no one to be mean to. everything is so peaceful when i’m not around. when i enter a room weapons are drawn and the delicate dance of a shoot out begins. the only problem is i didn’t bring a gun. you did.

i didn’t even know if you knew what i was saying lost in translation with my whole fucking nation  


the calls came from inside 


i’ll never be the same
you thought it was because of
what i was going through
the reason
how i was being spoken to
i couldn’t believe how much care i took
the way i thought about you
before saying what i say
so much time given before
i gave you more of my time
not enough though
nothing was ever enough from me
you had take
or ask for more
strangers were so nice to me
how sad is that
the ones who made me
couldn’t stand who i became
i always gave credit where it was due
it wasn’t enough
you had to have more
it was killing you to see me be me
you were killing me
all those years
i never felt quite right about it all
i didn’t see what you saw
i saw a girl trying to be in the world
i saw me
what did you see?
because it wasn’t me
i didn’t let you touch me
with those fire burning hands
and dragons breath
you would’ve destroyed me long ago
had i let you near me


a chokehold held so tight
i could feel 5 sets of hands
stopping me from breathing
the one thing you agreed upon
i thought it was mean
five against one
but you knew my power before i do
you felt the need for containment
before you ever knew the little girl
you were holding back
from being a beautiful women  



palms together
arms behind my back
smiling with my teeth
looking like an angel
just like i was supposed to
an intangible spirit
who’s presence signals presents
you thought i was a ghost
i have blood too
my skin breaks
and my bones bleed
gifts don’t need an explanation
thank you and goodbye
i didn’t even get to say hi
take what i have and leave me
every one of you
i won’t forget
i remember every one
the slurs
the tone
the way you asked if i was okay like you were mad at me for having feelings
worse than my year in miami
bottomless heartbreak
hopeless living
no one could even affirm i existed before
erased without a trace
everyone knew my story
i had told you all along
just me going off about something
couldn’t pay attention to a dying friend
until it was too late


i am so tired of rooting for myself
do you know how hard it is
to cheer while holding the ball 
how to score a touchdown 
when my hands are filled with poms poms
but i have to keep going if i want to get anywhere
no one’s coming to save me 
even if they did
they’d ask me to explain cpr
with the last breath i had 


i’ve met the darkest hour 
seven times
now
i’ve the the worst was over
seven times
now
i have no faith
this is the end 
i’d be a fool to think
the devil was done
it doesn’t feel like morning has come
so why would i kiss the sun
i’m still 12 feet below
scared for my life
this is when my luck runs out
all my good deeds aren’t adding up
there’s no one around to say
i do the right thing
time and time 
again
i’m on my own
at the darkest hour of night


you made me this sad
you broke me at the bottom
of the well 
restless and shaking
scared for what demon will come
next
writings on the wall 
nothings making sense
my safe space
now feels like a cage 
entrapped by your tricks 
i fell for every one of them 
i thought you were kind
not a criminal of the mind


everyone went on living as i died
don’t make me retell the tale 
you and i both know how it ends


i didn’t have the strength to lift my arms
you took your shot at me
then felt the bullet richoete 
taking yourself out
when reality bounced back
and hit you on the way out 
i didn’t even have a weapon
my body of being saved me from ruins
i have no one to thank
but the foundation of love
i built for myself


am i hard to love or do you just not want to? 


you make me feel like i’m too difficult to love. it’s caused irrevokable damage to my self-worth and i’m not sure i’ll ever forgive you. 


why am i saying the same things
i said seven years ago 
when does the message get delivered
when do the angels bring me in 


not everyone has to apologize the same amount
some people go through life
without causing harm onto others
some people learn that life
is what you make of it 
not what you’re given 
some people know there is glory
in the goodness
others strike a match

 

you hope you said all the right things
you hope you left enough clues
if they ever change their mind
if they ever contemplate leaving
what do they replay in their head
what did they not fear the first time
what did they not hear the first time


the people need to cry more
sun cannot heal it all
that’s why there is a moon
the water must be moved


i could write about my own death all day
that’s how often it happens
only way to have a day of peace
is to cut out everyone
only way to be myself
is to be a lone
pressure explodes
pushing me too far
i can’t fit in
i’m on my own
that’s how it’s always going to be
if i want to live to see the next day

how sad
garden grown
feast set
i can’t let you in
because i’m scared
you have a knife

come in swinging
you come in swinging
and i’m supposed to be gentle
fists coming for my face
make sure to stay calm
don’t be nervous
it’ll only hurt just a little
don’t ask us to stop
we’re all you’ve got

couldn’t even let your ego down
for the one you were meant to be for
so many empty apologies
didn’t hear a sound when it mattered
so righteous
didn’t right your wrongs
so balanced
didn’t keep your other half
it’s too far gone
i’ve said too much now
i knew you came in for a reason
didn’t know you’d change the meaning
flipped upside down
everything had to be on your terms
couldn’t follow my lead
so used to a thousand followers and more
couldn’t break out of the mold
you carved yourself into
the dent you left didn’t look like you
but it’s all i have left of you
you can’t apologize
when you should be sorry
none of you ever could
you don’t deserve me
none of you ever did

everything left
nothing came in
my preaches
not in practice

i hope your happy
because i’m not
and even if i was
you’d murder me for my smile
isn’t that so?

i can’t imagine being anything but kind to myself why would i let you be mean to me when i’ve got me

biting my tongue
always biting my tongue
i’ll let you do whatever you need
i’m not sensitive like you
you think i’m too honest
i haven’t even begun to tell you
how i feel about you
the slander
false propaganda
how could i take break
how could i need a nap
how could i need anything
how could i take anything
how dare i


watched my body
rolled your eyes
made me feel less than
your god awful stares
like you were playing for money
the jester
and the contest against
take the coins from my chest
leave my heart with a beating pulse
no jail time
you left me with just enough
i was always just enough



helping me would’ve been supporting me. it would’ve been opening the gift. clicking the link. reading my writing. telling me to pursue my passion. helping me isn’t getting on the phone with me and making me cheerlead my own career for you to critique and react to. loving me would’ve been sending me a how are you text before i got so low i had to express my depression on the internet. you think i’m singing and dancing while i’m uploading a piece of content. i’m laying in my bed trying to feel alive before the next wave of sadness hits me. you are so disconnected from my experience you wouldn’t even know where to begin. that’s how long your love has been away for. i never need help it’s the one thing everyone knows, even me. i’ve had my shit together my whole life so i could support you and yours and no one could ask how i was doing. when i finally got the strength to call you made remarks about my absence. oh how the tables flip on me every time. i’m going through the worst months of my life and i couldn’t even call you to cry to. how could we have gotten here? how could i not feel comfortable being consoled by you. maybe because your consolement always added things to my to do list. i’d worry about you reading this and saying something but we both know you don’t care enough to click the link. 


ask yourself why you’re so scared of what i might say
what have you done that would make you feel that way 
is it because you know how clearly i see things 
you’re afraid i might be writing your reflection
why do you think it might hurt to hear what i have to say 
what have you done wrong 
how am i in trouble
for saying how i feel 


i have nothing to say to you
because you don’t let me say anything
i am always in trouble 
i am always too much 
you taught me that about myself 
the only monster created 
is that i’m perfectly fine with who i am 
and that makes your arguments redundant 


tell me what i’ve done that’s so cruel
list it out for me 
make it simple and clear
i don’t want to give getting it wrong
what am i walking the plank for 
why am i in trouble for what other people have done to me 
why am i in question for how other people have made me feel 
when do i get to exist 
when do i get to be 
i’m afraid we’ll never find out


you can’t read my writing
is making me write more about you
i wouldn’t be so filled with loneliness
if you had just read what i wrote 
when my feelings weren’t about
your betrayal 


you made this hard on us both 
i’ve broken too many rules
i won’t let another one fall 
you have to be the bigger one
your depravation of love
made
me
so
small


the words i repeat
the musings i can’t let go of
are the ones that haunt me
in my sleep 
i’ll say them again 
so i don’t forget
what i’m afraid of
remembering the demons
before i go dark 
the thought of kindness
keeps me up at midnight


you spent so much time
wondering how i do it
instead of doing it yourself
you criticized my ways 
dismissed my vulnerability
said “ew gross” to my intimacy
then blamed the lack of connection
on me

i have spent so much of my life trying to understand other people. have you done the same?

am i misunderstood or has no one sought understanding? 

i can’t stop writing
because once the pen drops
i have to feel again 

it feels like i’m asking to be forgiven
when i’ve done nothing wrong
i’m always at fault
how am i always so brave
doing the thing
no one else the strength to do 
then being tied down
for being too strong

U︎︎︎P

DO︎︎︎WN