7. some things to smile about
My therapist asked me the other day how I was feeling. I’ve always had so much trouble wrapping up the thousands of emotions my body is going through into a few words. I prefer to describe feelings in metaphors.
I told her I feel like I’m sitting at the bottom of a well, looking for a hand to reach in and offer me help but there is no helping hand. Because everyone around me is dead at the bottom of the well. I’m the only one that felt comfortable enough to sustain living down here. You didn’t monitor your breathing and stay calm like I told you to.
I’ve spent a lot of time at the bottom of the well so I knew what to do. Others have not. Others are new here. They’re new to this experience. And they’re looking at me for help because I look so calm. But I’m paralyzed by my responsibility to keep them all alive. Instead of focusing on my own breath, I’m breathing in everyone’s around me. It’s suffocating. I’m choking on everyone’s feelings before I get to soothing my own.
Instead of always healing, I want to teach people how to heal themselves. One big way I soothe my deep, dark emotions is by bringing light to them and by bringing myself some smiles.
Here’s all the things I smiled about in a day:
1. The boy who, while standing on a scooter, moved through my frame head first, his balloon second - just cruissinggggggg while his mom pushes the scooter.
2. Me playing ‘Club Can’t Handle Me’ because the song is so old and not even that good but I love it and it’s my current vibe. It reminds me of high school.
3. Thinking about how stupid my ex is for moving to my neighborhood then breaking off all contact with me. Now every time I leave my house I have to send a prayer to the universe for me to not run into him. I tell her “I better not see that mother fucker today” and that makes me smile. Every time I leave my house.
4. I smile thinking about how beautiful humans looks when you’re only observing them and not asking anything of them.
5. How everyone has different ideas of how they show up in the world. I’m talking about wardrobe choices here.
6. Thinking about those rare jokes that make you double laugh with friends. A double laugh is when you both laugh hard at something and then do a second laugh, even harder because you love how much you both find it funny.
7. Wondering if I too, could pull of rainbow highlights in my black curly hair like the girl in front of me. Probably not. But it’s fun to imagine.
8. The soccer game being played at the park. It reminds me of when I play soccer and how much fun it was to be a part of a team.
9. I smile when the goalie lets the ball in. Nothing more devastating than when the goalie lets the ball in. How could you allow that to happen? They’ve got the toughest job in the game - to keep the score.
10. The two kids who come flying down on bikes. One of them says “Wait, where’s Conrad?” I look to my left, Conrad is peddling as fast as he can he shouts “GUYSSSSSSS WAIIIITTTTTT!!!!” And then under his breath, we hear a winded “Jesus Christtttt”
11. Thinking about writing a best selling novel makes me smile.
12. Thinking about writing any book makes me smile.
13. Thinking about my brother being interviewed to give a quote for my best selling novel makes me smile.
14. Thinking about my brother’s answer being “I knew she talked a lot, I just didn’t know she also thought a lot” makes me smile.
15. Thinking about quitting my job and starting a new career makes me smile.
16. Thinking about making a bid on the Oppenheim groups office location in LA makes me smile. (As seen on Selling Sunset)
17. Running a business out of the Oppenheim groups office makes me smile.
18. Thinking about all the people I could be makes me smile.
19. Thinking about me amongst the people I know makes me smile.
20. You make me smile.
21. All of the you’s I pass in a day make me smile.
22. I smile about how bad I am at cooking. Zero intuition in the kitchen but I try hard and it usually works out for me.
23. I smile singing Taylor Swift songs about how cruel the world can be and how heartbreak can come from a myriad of places.
24. I smile knowing that sad songs feel so good to scream in the shower.
25. I smile listening to the lyrics from rapper’s songs when they were trying to make it. There is so much knowing confidence that they were great. And then they were.
26. Thinking about riding around blasting music in shitty cars down winding roads in Maryland makes me smile.
27. The barista who compliments my skin before handing me my matcha latte makes me smile.
28. My dad sending me an email about something I do not at all, never said I did, care about. Because he loves sending emails to his children and I love that for him.
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