6. i wonder what people say about me
There’s many things I know they say. Things that I’m aware of. Like how critical I am. How there’s a sense of nervousness every time they tell me something because they don’t know what my honest answer will be, or worse, they know what it will be and they don’t want to hear it, not from me, not now. I know they complain about me to their other friends, about how harsh my humor can be. How even though the way I say it makes it funny, it’s still a hard truth they weren’t in the mood to hear. They won’t admit the real problem is that I speak the truth too often.
Most people are used to people lying to them. Lies to keep the time moving or lies becuse they’re so lost in the atmosphere they’re not conscious of how the things around us are moving - including time.
But they’ll also say I’m kind. They won’t say I’m kind all the time, but if you allow honesty to be considered kind it could be said of me. They play my words back late at night. I know that my delivery could be better. I know that I could be better at saying things when people need to hear them and not just when I want to tell them. I know that. I know that my timing could be better and that includes the times when the timing is supposed to be never. I never could shut up. I’ll take responsibility for that one. But you have to admit, you’re usually coming to me only when you want the honest truth. Once you get to know me, if ever. And the longer I get to know you, the more clearly I see your truth.
I‘m more honest then, because the more honest I can be. Now that I see you clear. People don’t like how I see through them. They like it at first but then they hear my footsteps coming and they run into the bushes instead of greeting me with roses. My footsteps become a signal for doom, instead of a symbol for glory.
I walk around in the dark in search for people, to bring back to the light with me. All you see is a dark shadowy figure approaching in the rearview. You don’t see that my voice is the thing that could set you free, if you’d just listen with me.
We always meet in the daylight, but I look for you at night. I look for you at night because I want to make sure you still feel safe when the darkness comes around. I want to make sure you know you’re not alone out here in the dark. I’ve got a free hand to guide you when you need it.
Every once in a while I’ll meet someone I know will walk around in the dark with me. It happens almost as infrequently as seeing a tornado go by. And that’s what it feels like too. But the feeling is not from the perspective of humans being scared to death, looking up at a tornado. It’s from the perspective of the tornados center. Where everything is chaos around you but you and I are floating in complete stillness. I’ve only ever felt this with two people in my life and I’m not speaking to either of them right now. One is my best friend. And one is a man. I wonder what they’re saying about me.
The moment before the stillness of center was as you would expect - torture. It felt like a human getting sucked up into a tornado and spun around until your vision was so erratic and blurred you almost lost all sense of being, only to wake up in the center of everything holding the hands of a lover and a friend. That’s all I’ve ever really needed.
Maybe that’s why having many friends never worked out for me. Maybe that’s why my friends get mad when I can’t see them. Beause I can see them. And instead, I am at home, enjoying my solitude. I’m sure people roll their eyes at how much I like to be alone.
I wonder what you say about me.
“How could someone possibly love going that long without social activity?”
“How could she not get bored with herself?”
“How could she not want to be around others?”
“Does she hate everyone?”
“She must hate everyone because no one spends that much time alone when they like people”
But the truth is I like every one so much because I get to just enjoy them for who they are. I only show up when I have the capacity to let you be you without the resentment of needing something. I fulfill my own needs and then enjoy my time with you. When you’re with me, you get to just exist. It is the beauty of spending so much time alone, that makes spending time with others so beautiful. But you don’t see that unless you witness it for yourself.
I wonder what you’ll say about me.
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