3. the dead darlings
it was easier to do than i had originally planned for. i didn’t know how many women thought they were in love with you when i fell down the hole but i found the answer shortly there after. hitting the dirt bottom and finding other girls wasn’t surprising. i had planned on that much. i assumed any man i would call my own would be highly sought after. i knew i’d die happily alone before i’d ever settle for someone beneath me. i held myself to a high standard and it was a standard that would have to be met by a lover.
i didn’t have a lot of control over the things that happened in my life but i always knew i would choose the one and that they would have to choose me. i always knew pennies were double sided and coins look like gold when you squint your eyes. we say heads or tails, what we really mean is yes or no, now or never. picking the petals like does she love me or does she not love me. does he love me or does he not love me like counting the sheep.
i stopped wondering if he loved me years ago. the first time i heard a no i knew it could be possible and that was enough for me to know i’d need my own answer the next time. whether through language or demeanor i had told a lot of men no except the ones i would say yes to. if you didn’t cut it, you didn’t get asked. so many flaws and none of them had style. if the men were a mess, i would die happily alone. then one fateful day happened and the rest is horrific history.
you threw me in the well of lions to see how much i could withstand. would i die or could i survive. nothing special about that part. you test everyone who tries to love you, even your own brother. the bearer of bad news, you appeal to the masses but no heroine has ever been kept in your castle. no one can pass the kingdom’s requirements. a high priestess must have a height worthy of righteous praise. for the king is mighty and the queen must be just. it wasn’t right the way you made us starve, only waving air when you were a fan of our work. that’s why your view was the first thing i took from you. your likes were like a knife to the bone. you didn’t know what i knew. your brushstrokes without your paint. i was the first domino to fall on your grave.
it drove the others crazy the way your fingerprints were all over my lens yet you were nowhere to be found. they looked for you in the blurred edges. they wore you like badges of honor, sworn to secrecy, no one was allowed to speak of you. i didn’t need you to be you, god gave me that at conception. they had to fake it, i just had to be me.
i saw it in our stars before the sky went black. chemistry and compatibility is human, being chemical combustants of the same stardust was something science couldn’t deny. one in the same. two bulls eyes in the first three tries. i had you pinned to the cross and you, i. a bullet at your insides and one at the heart. everything you love was everything i was. your outsides, my insides. your love, my shine. the darkest part of you, my golden rays. i was the parts of you people hated and the ones they admired too.
the only crack in our mirror was a record scratch. you hurt yourself, hurting me. what you thought you didn’t like in me, was what you thought you liked in you. i out king’d the king. showing you how to reign as you watched from the vines. couldn’t even cheer me on, paralyzed by my potential like the ones that came before. i was doing the things we loved without you. life goes on. i carry you alone now.
they didn’t see how i could go on without validation. women need to be fanned. they need grapes, spoon fed you gave them new life. the pleasure was all yours. wrapped around your finger, we were all held at bay in the darkness of your light. that’s when i started talking. i started finding out what no one else knew. i saw more of your influence on the women’s bodies than i saw you. tattoo’s just like you. flower blooms like the hand you use. that’s when i felt the weather. how things happened in waves. different sways with different rays. rippling through them, you chose who sat at sea and who laid on the seashore. tongue tied, you made sally sell her seashells.
but i bore easily and things get rowdy when surfers are waiting for the next wave. whispers unraveled your secrets. i heard them by mail and through air. i was so high, my view of you - twenty thousand feet. we lived on the same land and you had already told them no. so, what’s a girl to do but wait. they couldn’t quit you and i couldn’t blame them. i kept coming back too, so what’s a lonely boy to do? let them wade and i did too.
i only had one meteor and i had to choose where it would explode before it implodes.
what happens next, no one knows but 7 were dead.