3. my moon will miss her bff
Saturn entered the sign of Aquarius in March 2020, she made her final exit through the constellation in March of 2023. Those were three of the longest years of my life. Every three months felt like two lifetimes. My insides were changing every minute and my outsides took a little longer to grow.
I was born while Saturn + the moon were laid against the backdrop of Aquarius. They we’re pretty close too. Aquarius was retrograding at 0° and the moon was trying to get away from her but she can only move so fast! She only got 6° away.
Saturn moves a lot slower than the moon. Slower than all the personal planets because her orbit is the farthest away from us! She’s got a BIG circle to travel through. She only makes it back to the same sign every 27.5-30 years. That’s what we call a Saturn Return. It’s the time in your life when Saturn is passing through the same constellation backdrop (zodiac sign) that she was in when you got here!
At some point over the years of self-isolation due to a global pandemic that destructed nations (America, specifically), I looked up what having a planet at 0° meant. I think my astrology teacher had brought up critical degrees but we hadn’t gotten to the teachings on it yet. So of course, I googled it.
It said something to the effect that 0° is the meaning for existence of whatever planet it’s in. Meaning, I would be bringing the purest form of Saturn - it’s reason for being, to life in my 4th House, conjuct to my moon. And on top of that, Saturn is in one of it’s ruling signs: Aquarius. Which just means I am a very Saturnian Saturnian.
It’s also in retrograde which means it was doing a loop-de-loop in the sky. It keeps moving forward but it travels back in time. To me, that means the lessons I will recieve and give in this lifetime require some sort of “re” to them. Whether that’s reflection, reduction, relearn, restructure. Something recycled but brought into a new form.
Adding the Aquarius flavor to that it would be me sitting on top of a wall, watching the past behavior on one side and seeing what the future is doing on the other side. Then seeing what the behaviors feel like in reverse.
That would be the key to opening my gate. I’d have to learn all the ways I could take my learnings and restructure them into new order. Into new teachings for the generations to come over the next 27.5-30 years.
And unfortunately, because it’s happening in my 4th House of home and family, a lot of my lessons came through time spent with those two things. And since it was Saturn, it felt like I got placed inside those two things at the nucleus of them. Then the metal cage got dropped down on top of me and I wasn’t allowed to leave my house until I solved all the riddles and found the key to get out.
There were so many riddles and mirages the past 2.5 years. I could see this perfectly fit object shining in the distance and as soon as I got focus of it the standstorm would pass by like needles hitting my eyes. Then it would clear. And I’d get the vision again. Then a rainstorm. So many rainstorms. It’s so hard to leave the house when it’s acting as it’s core form of sheltering you.
Even when I got to LA it was pouring rain every day. I couldn’t get out. I had to stay in and think. And write. And read. And philosophize. And learn. So much learning. I took so many classes. I was addicted to school in any form. Luckily, everyone was putting out “lessons” online. Masterclass, podcast memberships, spiritual workshops, youtube classes, webinars, digital conferences. Everyone was online saying something.
And I was listening to a lot of stuff. I absorbed so much information. I was consuming everything put in front of me and hoarding it in my house. I was making friends out of my bookcases and hanging out with herbalists Tuesdays at 9am. I had so much to do at home. I was addicted to crafting. I was crafting ideas, stories, concepts, futures, visions and the arts.
Painting, drawing, moodboarding, visionboarding, painting ceramics, making bookmarks, handrawing cards. I was keeping busy at home.
Just because Saturn trapped me in my own home didn’t mean I could stop living. I had to entertain myself. Host myself. Care for myself. Show up for myself. My only phone calls out of jail were to family members. I was only allowed to leave the house for work until I wasn’t. I could leave for work when I had a job but when I got laid off I had to work from home. No excuses. I’d lost the privilege.
Besides that I could leave for self-care which sometimes included friends but mostly included entertainment. And when I was visiting family. I didn’t go on any vacations with friends during those 3 years. I saw friends in different cities but only because they lived near my brother and sister.
It was exhausting. My circle was small. I was alone most of the time and lonely quite often. But I couldn’t do anything about it. I hadn’t found the key to get out yet. I wasn’t allowed into the heavenly sphere where it feels like you’re a floating speck of dust gliding to where you need to be. I was still working hard. And falling hard. From loved ones to lovers, I was either getting knocked to the ground or punched in the face by the people I care about. I didn’t even mind that much, they were making me stronger. But I was tired of crying all the time. I knew it held me back from being happy but I also know that the only way to drain a river sadness is to let the water flow.
I hated crying all the time but I knew that it was the only way to get back to the light after someone puts you in the dark. This could’ve been where my moon played her part. The moon is emotions. She is our material world - the physical surroundings we exist in every day and also our internal world - the way our insides look and feel. My insides felt like everyone I had ever known. Aquarius is known for being able to see the individuals that make up a collective and look at them with aspirations of greatness. Aquarius knows that the best and most successful groups are made up of many different individuals. It’s what makes them so strong and so pure. It keeps the formula just right.
So every day, trapped in my home, my family, my only lifeline, with everyone else in my life occupying my internal world. It was inspiring and devastating. Extensive and airy. It was as if I was at the center of a million specks of dust and I didn’t know if we formed as ashes after an explosion or dust about to combust into a new universe. I hadn’t a clue. Though I searched long and hard as the days passed by. I tried out so many theories - some stuck, some launched and others failed on impact.
🌝🪐 in the house.