23. electronic messaging
Apr 13, 2021, 2:31 PM
Hello my love. I hope in 20 years from now our husbands read our email exchanges and assume we were having an affair with each other this whole time.
Anyway.
I have so much on my mind! Because I have absolutely no idea what to do with my career next and it's paralyzing my decision making skills. I keep looking for signs that being an art director in advertising is what I'm supposed to be doing with my life and I'm coming up short every time. But then I also don't know what other creative pursuit would be right for me. Adjacently, there is writing, photography, filmmaking, screen writing, set design, graphic design, (I'd love interior design but I'm not ready to go back to school yet). But I feel like I'll still end up in the same unfulfilled place. I do agree I'm good at multiple facets of my job, but what I enjoy most is using my creativity to service others. Creating things for brands that want to change the perceptions of society whether that be big things like saving lives from lung cancer or little things like the way we feel when we wear clothes and buy lamps. That much I know, but the type of place I want to work at and the skill set I want to work with are totally up for grabs right now.
I've been doing the meditations and journaling in my workshop and I'm finding myself to be more spiritual than I had thought. I feel a large pull towards changing people's level of consciousness and thoughts about themselves. I truly want everyone to feel the light and love and never question whether they deserve it or not. Often times when I'm doing visualizations in my meditations, I see myself either alone or gathered amongst a group of people I've brought together. But I don't generally see myself with just one other person. It scares me to think my destiny is to end up alone but full of love - but I'm not as resistant to it as I'd thought I would be. It feels more natural to give love to all the people I encounter, than to choose just ONE person to give my love to. Even in all the work I've been doing with my fears and needs - they were never anchored around finding 'the one.' I feel my soul wanting to remain whole on its own, and my ego sees a singular relationship with a lover as a threat to that. I guess if what I really want is to be in a relationship and that is a part of my 'plan' then the work is not finished yet. I'm not all the way softened yet.
I feel lonely on this spiritual journey. No one in New York really gets it and all my friends in advertising are so consumed about our plummeting industry the concept of stopping and reflecting in order to heal ourselves feels counter intuitive to what they need to be doing right now. But I so wish I had a group of gals to do tarot cards and birth card readings over cheese and wine with in NYC.
So, I saw xxxxxx. He was in the area taking measurements at his new apartment and we met up for drinks after. It was really good to see him. There was such an awkward tension because we obviously wanted to know everything that was going on in each other's lives but there was sooo much to catch up on that we had missed out on the past few years that we didn't get under the surface too much. It's so hard because when I see him all I want to do is hear about how he's doing. I feel such a gravitational pull to know everything there is about him. I want to know his childhood, I want to know his dark thoughts, I want to know his hopes and dreams, where he sees himself in a year, in 10 years. Just everything. I'm so fascinated by him. Even though I have hundreds of reasons to hate him and be angry at him, all I yearn for is to understand him more deeply. And that's where the conflict arises for me.
When we finally brought up things that happened, I could see two xxxxxx's happening at once. I could see his ego immediately feel like he was backed into a corner, forced to show his fangs in order to protect himself. And then his soul, who wanted to apologize and give love. He'd start talking assertively about how "I" was the one that was shouting that night and "I" left him on the corner and "I" made him cry about it for a year. And I'd just respond calmly, and he'd sit back and suddenly, offer to apologize for anything that he did during that time because he was young and stupid.
Then he'd explain how out of everyone he'd met in America I was one of five he actually cared about and tell me how much love and respect he had for me. He said how much he talks about me to others. He said he's told his girlfriend about me "hundreds of times." Which is when my brain starts to do cartwheels in my head - because I've heard this all before but it still doesn't explain how someone who claims to have so much love and respect for me, could treat me the way he did. It doesn't add up.
It felt so good to be around him but as soon as he leaves and I have time to process, I start to get sad. Because I crave this intimacy of knowing every inch of his brain, but I know in my heart that at this point, that would require us to dissect every inch of what's happened between us to get back to a good place we could move forward from. And I'm not sure that would be worth it to just end up as "friends." So I feel myself wanting to put a bandaid over the whole thing, write it off as 'we met at the wrong time' and carry on with a surface level friendship. I know I can do that, and we'd still have fun and good times - with proper boundaries set in place. Because I'd rather have him in my life and limit our interactions, than not have him at all. I just want the all consuming thoughts of trying to make sense of it all to be over. It feels like it's been this little voice in the back of my head, keeping busy trying to solve how two people who care so much about one another could end up making each other cry so much.
So yeah, I think I'm going to try to get him on the phone tonight. So let's see how it goes.
I love you so much.
M