2. dating you
My friends. I am here to tell you about the importance of learning to date yourself - of taking yourself on dates. You don’t need a running list of things best enjoyed with a partner, you can do anything you want all by yourself. And it will feel freakin amazing.
Now, I am single and maybe you’re not, so you may feel the urge to create a contextual barrier between what I’m saying and what applies to you but I promise you, taking yourself on dates is just as rewarding with or without a partner to go home to.
Think about what fills your days, what fills your social calendars. How much of that is what YOU want to do? And how much of that is a happy compromise between you and whoever you spend your time with. I understand some of us are a bit more self-absorbed and “call the shots” in their life and I can tell you all about how that is not as rewarding of a way to live as you think it is, but for now let’s focus our time on the people who happily make sacrifices for those around them when deciding what to do. You wanted a night in but your friend really needed a night out so you get a casual drink at a quiet dive bar around the corner. Your partner is craving sushi and your craving thai so you settle on a sushi place that also has noodles (not quite the Thai restaurant you had in mind, but it’s okay, it’s one night of food). These are all little negotiations, not a big deal, brushed off the shoulder type of stuff. But then comes the bigger ticket items like going to a concert or seeing a play. Your friends would all die to see Doja Cat in concert and even though you’re more of a Taylor Swift fan you don’t want to miss out on a debaucherous randezvous that all of your closest friends are going to have with or without you so you say yes to buying a ticket. And then comes the birthday trip, you’d love a 3-day weekend just relaxing on the beach catching up with old friends through deep conversations. But your friends all have lame boyfriends that keep things boring at home 5 nights out of 7 and they want a shit storm weekend of drugs, alcohol and skin tight dresses. Or maybe it’s the reverse, maybe all your friends want a relaxing 3-day weekend sunbathing and you’re the one that wants to get buck-fucking-wild. And now you’re the one who’s a little disappointed that Cheyenne brought 70 SPF and goggles to the pool when you planned on spending the whole time gargling champange under a cabana, and NOT swimming. Who the fuck SWIMS in the pool on vacation!!?? But now you are, because that’s what the group wants to do and funneling champagne doesn’t feel as cool when you’re the only one doing it. So we make compromises. It’s not always this vs that. A lot of times it’s ‘if you do this with me, I’ll do that with you.’ And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that, it’s very healthy for your friends to be a network of people that can get you to experience things outside your natural inclinations of what to do.
But every once in a while (I like to do it once a month, more if I have the time, less if I don’t) it’s nice to plan an evening that’s exactly as you imagined it to be. From every little detail to the big event. There is no one to text “what are you wearing tonight” so you can wear any outfit that feels right for you. There is not another human with their own unique thoughts to consider when picking out the restaurant or what appetizer you want to share. You honestly don’t even have to go to a nice restaurant. Go to the cozy hole in the wall sandwich place you’ve been dying to try for dinner. You’ve heard the sandwiches are a little sloppy to eat there so what better time to go when there is no one looking at you across the 3 foot wide table?! And purchase tickets to whatever-the-fuck-you-want. Is there a comedian you adore but none of your friends would be willing to splurge on tickets to see? Go by yourself! Do all of your friends love dinners and drinks but can’t commit to doing something ‘cultured’? Take yourself to the Opera!
Don’t think of taking yourself on a date as a pathetic and sad thing that only someone who didn’t have a partner or friends to do things with would do. Think of taking yourself on a date as an uncompromising evening for yourself to do all the things you want to do. We all have things we ‘want to do’ but we let them linger in the back of our minds for days, weeks, months, years, sometimes DECADES because they always feel like an inconveince to ask others to do with you. Well, brush the dust of all those things you want to do and go out there and DO THEM! I am giving you permissioin and approval.
And you know, it’s going to be a little scary. As fierce and independent and a solo dating vetern as I am, I still get a little anxious leading up to my ‘date’ the same way you get butterflies when you go on a real date. You don’t know what will happen. You don’t know if the couple in the corner of the restaurant will give you glaring looks. You don’t know if the server will be more kind or more rude because you’re alone (they’re almost always more kind btw). I can’t promise you won’t attract unwanted attention by being alone. But my god, nothing feels more free than when people look at you trying to figure out why you of all people are here alone and you smile back because it was a choice you made to put yourself first - to spend an evening with yourself, without making a single compromise for anyone else. Why wouldn’t you be here alone? You are exactly where you want to be and you are exactly as you want to be. Don’t it feel good, baby?