12. mindbreak
you weren’t who i thought you were that much we knew by now. never since that day in the sun when you ran and made me run. i tried to seek after you but what’s the use? when you were gone, you were gone. riding out into the distance, getting closer to the horizon line with every hip swing of the horse you rode in on. you thought you were so scary. so cruel. so deep and twisted. i didn’t even bat an eye, that made you nervous. the only time i had a problem with sick in the head men was when you put the people around me in danger for their lives. when you tried to ruin that pair. of course, not literally. you liked ending marriages not lifetimes. you wouldn’t touch anything given a life span with a cowboy’s lasso. commitments weren’t your thing. you knew that. i know that. the whole town in every small town west of santa fe knew that. you had a reputation with a simple explanation. he can’t stop wondering. what makes women so beautiful? their bodies or their minds? could beauty ever not be split between those two? could she be beautiful and think beautifully too. that’s where you lose yourself. you’ve ordained a hundred beautiful woman’s bodies but no mind’s ever been that attractive to you. you like them all. you like everyone. you just do it much more quieter than eye. exchanging body heat in the silence of the night. come morning, they had to leave after breakfast. you couldn’t stand hearing about what they were doing over the weekend. none of it interested you. their activities were beneath you. sunday brunch at a bar? ew. did women ever have real hobbies? or did they all just wait around to be loved by a man like you? aren’t you supposed to be that man? because you don’t want to if that’s what they’re asking. you never told them you felt this way but they could feel it. the way you recklessly released the porch door, letting it slam into it’s frame. causing a loud ricochete. anyone who knows you, knows you’d hate the sound of a door slamming. you like to hear everything at a level of two volume. sweet. calm. nothing can spike your nerves. not like how i did, at least. but back to you. that’s the thing about you. you bleed from your gums. everyone can see when you’re in pain. you can’t stand that about yourself. you were the boy who never learned to balance his emotions. you’ve always got your mother in the back of your head telling you to not be so dramatic about life. so many nights spent wondering how to feel the balance. how to be peaceful in spite of all the opposition. how can parents split up? how can your parents get a divorce? i thought they made a lifetime commitment to one another? that’s what you ask yourself. you don’t realize you’re more like your mother than you think. if you had to take sides based on rights, you know you’d pick your mother’s. that was the secret everyone knew but you. that was the secret you thought you never told anyone. you’re so clear with how you feel. you write it in the sky with clouds for those to see. we know when you’re feeling good and when you’re feeling like a lonely little cry baby, sulking in his woodland abode. i love how dark you go and how deeply you feel. that’s what you liked about me. no one ever saw you before. with little to no information i had you pinned to the cross with a turn on the dial. i knew exactly who you were the moment i found out you existed. that’s how clear it was to me. i didn’t mind who you had been. i liked who you were! i told you that! you just didn’t hear what i said when you were listening to my words. you were looking for bad remarks amongst good impressions. and then i think maybe you did know all along. maybe you knew exactly what i was saying and that’s why you decided to run again. walking towards the horizon, thinking i’m on the shoreline gasping for air as i lose the love of my life. too vain to not turn back one last time. that’s when you saw what i was doing. i wasn’t scared. i wasn’t sad. i was tying a bow in my curls.