11. hahaha
I thought it was strange the way you didn’t laugh with me more often. The way you were stiff to the bone, every time but one. Like an animal startled, not knowing if they were prey or the hunter. Scoffed when I was joyous. The release of deep sadness coughing out of your mouth.
You had left yourself in the dark for too long. Left alone in the dark too long. Wanting to get up and get out, not knowing where to exit or how to go. Where to go? You seemed scared. You seemed self-concious and from my side of things, it seemed like I had something to do with those feelings. I couldn’t tell if it was for better or for worse.
I just kept picturing you gasping for air in the fight of your life. And every once in a while you’d find your footing. Take a quick glance at your sun before someone stomps your face back into the ground. And it was irritating to see you get so beat up with nothing I could do about it and at the same time I felt so very dearly bad for you. Sad for you. I wanted to walk a handful of air for you to have but I didn’t have the words, you did. You were the one who couldn’t say what needed to be said. You kept wanting to say it. Trying to say it. But you couldn’t.
Because you were gasping for air in the fight of your life. See the cycle we keep going in? I keep circling around, waiting for you to get up. I get bored. I get lost. I have some fun. That’s how I spend my time. I pop in and out of town so seamlessly. So unnoticeably. You began to wonder. Was I starting to have too much fun? Were the girlies having fun starting to feel like the ladies having more fun than the boys or was it the other way around?
Which one do you prefer, sir?
Oh, baby.
Oh, baby.
It was like you were the main character of a thousand different stories. I had made you the villain, the enemy, the hero, the lover, the survivor, the beauty, the ugly, the good, the bad, the truth, the lies, the laughs!
And still, not one of them was you.
How could I know the real you?
And you know I really did like him, grandma. Even if he wasn’t ready to make me his girl yet. I knew he would one day! I always knew the right one would some day!
You were starting to grow weaker instead of stronger. I was having so much fun without you, just the way you like to. I wanted to have fun with you. And you knew we would, or at least we knew we could, but you were still in battle. Still getting your footing, hoping for the strength to make you stronger. To stop being so weak and fragile. You can be so sensitive but you’re not naturally shy.
You know you radiate a khalediscope of colors everywhere you go. That wasn’t the problem. The problem was you like to turn off. Sunsets and sunrises only happen twice a day.
You were like looking into the center of a prism and finding a rainbow. Color reflected onto color. You use the airways and airwaves to make yourself a dream come true.
Words, thoughts. Your earthly curiousities and vivid imagination. Speech, speeches. Talking and the chats. The exhanging of ideas!
And flights. Taking flight. Flying. Soaring. Through clouds and to the moon. On wings. With wings. There must always be a trail of fairy dust.
Your sprinkled bits of beauty onto everyone. You loved that part of the day. It’s only when you wash the day off in the mirror, you realize no one ever gave you their beauty in return. Not the real kind of beauty. Not the you type of beauty. No one could compare to the visions you had in the evenings. The fantasizing was always more captivating to you. Until it was time to wake up.
Sweetie, wake up.
It’s you.