1. skydivedopehead
I am a 31 year old woman living in LA blowing the smoke from my weed pen out the window in my bedroom with my door closed hoping the person in the other room can’t smell it. And the worst part is I can’t even tell you how I got to this last place but it’s not good. It’s easily just as bad as all of the rest of the year has been. Well really three straight years if you include how miserable it was for every human being alive to live through a global pandemic where a ton of people were dying every single day for months on end. My stomach is so swollen. Tomorrow is the New Moon in Taurus and I’m on the new moon cycle right now. Sometimes I switch to full moon. I watched the Judy Blume documentary last night. What a gem. They should’ve called it Judy Blume and The Fight for Honest Books the way she fought for her sex and period scenes to be in her books. Her love for books, her belief in the power of books, her unending defense of books to be in the hands of children. It was beautiful. Truly beautiful. This morning I went for a walk. I like to wake up, make coffee, do my wake up stuff like brushing my teeth and passing a bowel. Sometimes I do a 10 minute ab routine, I’ve been out of that routine for a week or two now. I’ll get back soon. Once the maroon stain passes. I think women taking care of their wombs is the precursor to motherhood. Trying to figure out when I need to switch things out and how bad is it today or is it going to be okay. There’s literally a hole in between our legs that’s just bleeding clumps of blood layers SPORADICALLY throughout the day for five to seven days straight every month. It’s so hard to take care of it and then on top of it society has made it publicly humiliating to carry a tampon to the bathroom. God forbid the people around us know when we are bleeding from a hole in between our legs. God forbid they have some sympathy for us that day. Those days!! EVERY MONTH!! The entire day I am wondering if I’m bleeding through my underwear. Every time I get out of my chair and walk somewhere I’m wondering if there is a blood stain on my bottoms for at least 2-3 out of the 5-7 days. Some days are chill and some are fucking horrid. And it HURTS!! Google says the uterine layer is made up of “smooth muscle” but it’s basically a layer of thick blood just shedding from womb to bedroom mattress. Your stomach swells up and it feels like someone is scraping the walls of your womb from the inside. Like a construction worker taking down a layer of wallpaper before demolition. Anyway, Judy got me thinking about all this.
After my walk, I watched Alice in Wonderland. I work for myself now and I had gotten all my important projects done on Wednesday so I had the morning to just chill. It was the 1951 animated film. So fucking good. I really resonated with the Alice character. The way she just kept following her intuition instead of her ‘advice.’ Saw the yellow brick road and followed it until she found the home in herself. It was really quite poetic. I remember when the Tim Burton Alice in Wonderland came out, me and my mom saw it in 3D movie theaters. After the movie my said “she reminds of you” and when I asked what she meant by that she changed the subject. She does that to me a lot. She’s a virgo moon. Her idea of nurture is like little truth bombs that are organized and to the point and without compassion for the receiver. She simply doesn’t have the time to explain! She’s already said what needed to be said! I always think kid's entertainment is so interesting. The people who concept it have to be adults that are super fucking high. Have you watched that stuff? Like no way did a sober person think up Bill the Lizard with the ladder. Or the white rabbit with the clock that was always out of time. Painting the roses read. And the entire scene at the tea party with the 364 unbirthdays. Absolutely brilliant. Not sober. There’s just no way. We should hook up whoever wrote that version of Alice in Wonderland to a lie detector test and ask if they were just a little bit high when they concepted the girl that falls down the rabbit hole.
Then I went to an estate sale. I really connected with the owner but I don’t know if it’s just because she seemed soooo cool to me and everyone else or because we really were kindred spirits. She was an actress and her house was filled with THE ARTS! Every creative outlet imaginable. She built the house in the Hollywood Hills in the 1960s with the money she had earned from her career. Never married. I know all of this because the cashier next to me was telling one of the customers while my cashier wanted nothing to do with me so I had no choice but to eavesdrop. Plus, I wanted to know the story! My girl wouldn’t talk to me! I have to get my information from somewhere! I got some super cool stuff. Everything was so cool, even the cheap stuff. I didn’t have to spend a lot of money on it but boy did that woman just raise my value. So much knowledge!! I even got this leather purse bag, it looks industrial. I would never use it as a purse but it’s the perfect leather tote to carry my business supplies around with me wherever I wanna work!! I love that I’m my own boss and only employee. I wonder if I’ll get lonely. I don’t think so. I’m such a homebody. Everyone knows going home is my favorite part of the day. I love it. All my stuff is here! I’m comfortable! I’m in my own energy. Vibing as I like. Doing what I want. It’s so fun. I always have so much going on with myself. There’s so much I wanna do! That’s what always gets me in trouble!! I’m always doing it ALL. But I love it :) Because it’s mine!
That’s one lesson you can’t be taught unless you have siblings and it depends on your household and your personality. For me, the only way I could cope with the fact that 5 other people were gonna live in the same house as me, 3 of which were both my best friend and enemy at the same time. Actually all 5 of them were. I always just assumed my parents were my best friends because they were always around. We were always doing so much stuff together. It was hard to say anyone outside of my family was my best when you’re growing up. Anyway, it’s a fucking battlefield, blood bath to have anything be “yours” in a household with that many people. You really had to claim your stuff otherwise someone else would snatch it up from you! If I showed any disinterest or frustration at any of my things someone would steal it and say “then it’s MINE!” I had to be happy, alert and always ready. I really liked having my own things. There were a lot of things I didn’t mind sharing but after a while you need to develop a sense of responsibility and I loved treating my things like they’re pets. My apartment decor style is like the inside of willy wonka except i’m the crazy guy and i don’t make chocolate. I have three marbles in a wooden shaped ace of diamonds little trinket box thingy, just because it makes me laugh. The thought of me... having someone over and while I’m busy baking us cookies and pouring us a glass of wine in the other room they’re snooping around, checking out what’s on my mantle, moving stuff around, opening little trinkets, you know… checking out the place... and as I’m putting the pan of fresh cookie dough into the oven for our after dinner treat, the person in the other room is opening the wooden ace of diamonds and seeing a black marble, a blue marble and a yellow marble. Their brain short circuits as they wonder what it means and whether they should be scared, curious or turned on. I am in the other room unaware of the discovery but knowing that the only reason the marbles are there is to make people wonder. There’s no other meaning to them. But I’m curious what you thought when you saw them!
Oh, I remembered what I sat down to write about...
So, my senior year of high school I had two classes with Alex Poly - psychology and some sort of computer class, I forget. We got sat next to each other in psychology and as soon as we started talking he fell in love with me and still hasn’t left me alone. I really liked talking to him, I just didn’t want a boyfriend at the time. That made things a little awkward for us. He wouldn’t stop asking me out but he also wouldn’t leave me alone and since we had two classes together we just kept running into each other. On Valentine’s Day he bought me a teddy bear and gave it to me in front of the whole class and I was so embarrassed. I had already told him I didn’t want to date him???
Anyway, here is a report of our cosmic coupling I wrote for us.
P.s.
